i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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