I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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