can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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