my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
