My first STD was from a foam party
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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