Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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