I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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