hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
"it" just moved
are you so shy because you have an std?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
