he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
