Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
