Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
