Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
