Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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