ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
