if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
