did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I cannot find my penis.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
