mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
