I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
