I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
