is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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