My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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