we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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