I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
