I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
