apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
