I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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