A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
