Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
