I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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