My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
