Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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