god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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