lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
