Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
