new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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