i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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