I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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