i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
