i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
should my penis look like a turkey
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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