WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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