Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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