We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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