I could make wine with my vomit
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
