the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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