I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
PANTIES FOUND
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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