just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
