Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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