I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
