I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
