I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
