you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
