I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
