Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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