The brown eye won't let me do that either.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
