i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
